THOUGHTS OF A NEW MUM

Motherhood, a totally different transition in life. Permanent changes in a woman's lifestyle, behaviour, charactor and mental thoughts. For once, I have learnt to appreciate my mother's selfless sacrifices for me and my siblings. I can imagine how challenging it is to bring up the three of us all by herself. The endless chores and numerous sleepless nights she had went through.

I learn now the power of love for one's own child. Everytime I see my baby, I have the uncontrollable urge to hold her in my arms and smell her baby breath. Everytime she smile at me, my heart is filled with overwhelming joy. Everything seems so worthwhile. The extra pounds on me didnt seem to matter anymore. All I want and wish for is for my child to grow strong and healthy. And I made my daily prayers for her. Is so natural now to relate to God and to entrust my child to Him. During my pregnancy, I prayed for a smooth delivery and now I pray for good health and strength and safety for my little one. There is a a spiritual and religious change in me and is the love for my child which made me found God and to recognise His strength.

Patience and endurance. Tending to my crying baby both day and night requires lots of patience and endurance. To my baby, I am her whole world and I need to shower her with lots of tenderness and love to make her feel secure and safe. Although at times, I feel like I have reached the breaking point but when I hold her in my arms, I feel revitalise and the amazing strength of a mother push me on.

Is an amazing new life for me. Now, Life has a totally different meaning and I want to experience life with my child and to provide her with the best as much as I can.

A song by Faye Wong, dedicated to her own daughter:

风雨过後不一定有美好的天空
不是天晴就会有彩虹
所以你一脸无辜不代表你懵懂

不是所有感情都会有始有终
孤独尽头不一定惶恐
可生命总免不了最初的一阵痛
但愿你的眼睛只看得到笑容
但愿你流下每一滴泪都让人感动
但愿你以後每一个梦不会一场空

天上人间如果真值得歌颂
也是因为有你才会变得闹哄哄
天大地大世界比你想像中朦胧
我不忍心再欺哄
但愿你听得懂但
愿你会懂该何去何从

SWEET HONEY PIE

Had a busy weekend. Baby full month celebration. Brought my sweetie to her first haircut. And she wore a dress for the first time. Looks so sweet and kissable in her dress.. couldnt help but kissed her non-stop.

My confinement is over. YEAH. I drank lychee drinks and ate BBQ stingray. Finally, after 9 months of healthy and careful eating... I can indulge in some sinful food.. but of course, because Im still on a STRICT DIET as im still not back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I only ate a bit BUT it was satisfying enough.

Everyone has commented that I have put on weight and is depressing lah.. although they did mention I look better now as I was underweight before BUT I dont believe them.. sob.. I just feel FAT FAT FAT.........bleah.. now Im weighing a 52kg... really hope I can shed another 5 kg before the year ends........ haiz......

Losing track of time

Is 7 am in the morning and Im in front of my laptop. I dont even wake up this early when i go to work.

Is almost 4 weeks and really, my life has changed totally. I can no longer sleep a straight 8 hours.. have to feed my little one in every 2 to 3 hours interval. I have to be on a constant alert mode, in case my little one cries for me. My life revolves around her. And yes, I am loving every moment of it.. is just that it can be quite tiring.

I look myself in the mirror. And I realise that life will never be like before again. Is no longer about myself. I have to think for another one and live for another one. Is amazing. Motherhood. Yes, I am very protective and possessive over her. And I know I am ready to make all sacrifices for her.

Whatever exhaustion I have.. a smile from her makes everything all worthwhile.

REACHING THE POINT OF INSANITY

My little one had not been herself. Suffering from nappy rash, she had been crying the whole night and it isnt easy trying to soothe her and to calm her to sleep. And especially when I am doing everything myself. HE IS TOO BUSY BEHAVING LIKE A FUCKED UP PIG.

Went for my gym regime. Just left the house for less than an hour. And the minute I reached home, I saw my little one in a pool of vomit and HE IS LYING THERE RIGHT BESIDE HER SLEEPING!!.. It hurts me to see my little one so helpless and I cant take it when HE IS THERE YET IS NOT AWARE OF THE SITUATION. I am on the verge of breaking down. Why is he still so irresponsible? Why isnt he taking on the role of a dad?.. I feel like asking HIM to fuck off.. really.. the sight of him just piss me off majorly now.

Is been 3 weeks. I dont see HIM doing anything to help. I cant trust HIM to do anything. I dun see the point of HIM being around. Maybe is better for him to just go.

BREAKING THE RULES

I have broken all confinement rules in record time. Is only about 3 weeks into my confinement and I have broken all rules.

Bathed and washed my hair. Started my crash diet. Went to the gym and started my gym regime. And today, I drank coffee and dyed my hair. I cant help it. Im too much of a perfectionist, cant see myself in such a fugly state. Next week, I think I will be going for my makeover session, if I have the time. I wana feel good of myself, since nobody else is making me feel better.

Taking care of a newborn aint easy. But I love her too much to complain. What I cant tolerate is HE not being supportive or understanding at all. HE hasnt done anything to prove that he is trustworthy as a father at all and is making me really upset. HE is still the same. Listening to everything the MIL has to say. And wtf does the MIL knows?? Is really irritating to the max! I can't take it when HE is now a father and still cant take his own stand and waits for me to clear every single mess that he and the MIL have created. WTF!!

I need to vent this out before I go mad!! I dun wana feel unhappy when Im around with her coz i wan her to feel only happiness and love. So I gota VENT MY UNHAPPINESS ALL OUT HERE. I gota be strong for her sake. Actually by being how He is now, just make everything clearer. Just make me feel less obligated to be a good wife. It doesnt matter as much anymore coz I have her to take care of. She is my only motivation in life now. And is all that matters.

ON A MISSION

Im on a mission. I MUST lose all the weight I have gain soon. A whole 10 kg of fats!! Can't imagine how im going to do that but I will try my best.

Went to the gym today. Will be going everyday from now on. BURN THOSE CALORIES!!

Need to be on strict diet. No temptations. No sweet evil goodies.

I HATE BEING FAT. Boo-hoo...

AN UNFORGETTABLE JOURNEY

It was an awesome journey. A learning process with many different emotional, mental and physical changes.

During the first trimester, I was feeling faint frequently and I had difficulty keeping my dinners down. Was vomitting every evenings. I was feeling insecure and was afraid that I would not be successful again. Had weekly checkups to monitor my process closely. The first time I saw her on ultrasound scan was a touching moment. I prayed to God that He will watch over us throughout the pregnancy and keep us safe in His hands. I took unpaid leave just to ensure that I had plentiful rest.

I managed to go back to work in the second trimester. My belly grew with each day and a lot of people in the building were staring at me curiously. When my belly reached a basketball size, people around me, even strangers were talking to me and congratulating me. Though, I suffered from insomnia and every night I was tossing and turning in bed, trying to find the most comfortable position, waking up each morning, feeling unrest, I managed to pull through.

The excitement was overwhelming in the third trimester. Preparation of the nursery, buying of the baby stuffs. As I washed and folded her small tops and pants, I could not help but smile. I could not wait to hold her in my arms and smell her baby breath.

Finally, the moment arrived. It was a 24 hour labour and it was just PURE PAIN. I remembered when my gynae burst my waterbag, I was screaming and crying. And when the contractions came, I nearly lost my mind. I gave my all when the gynae told me to push. When she was placed on my stomach, my tears flowed out in joy. It was a miracle. As I held her hand in mine, I felt relieved and touched.

Is been two weeks after delivery. With endless days and nights of nappy changing, feeding, bathing and giving in to her every cries. My new duties as a mother are tiring but watching her sleep, smile and whine is satisfying enough to keep me going on.

What I detest now are the layers of skin and fats hanging on my arms, belly and thighs. Although I have lost 8 kg since delivery, I still have 12 kg more to lose to return to my pre-pregnancy weight. Ewww... is a long long way more to go.

It had been a long way. I am now a mother to a beautiful baby girl. I thank God for the miracle. And I know from the moment, I will love her with all my heart, protect her with all I have

~ to my baby Andeline.